Dear Grace:  My girlfriend and I went on a road trip last week and found ourselves in Cambria, California.  We stayed at a hotel on the beach and walked to a charming seafood house for dinner.  There was a small line to get into the restaurant but we waited patiently, happy to watch the sun set.  Then, some of “those people” arrived.   You know – a whirlwind of negative energy and dripping in entitlement.  They ignored the line, ignored the hostess taking names and stormed through the tables of diners to see if there was room at the counter.  As they tried to sit down, a waitress intervened and sent them back out to the line. Naturally, we ended up being seated at the counter and Those People were seated right next to us.  I would have loved to have made the point by asking to be seated away from them but it was too crowded.   Would it have been rude of me to have said something to them about their behavior? – Offended

Dear Offended:  “Those People” already suffer!  They leave a wake of resentment everywhere they go.  They make their family and friends (if they have any) uncomfortable at every opportunity with their demands and judgments.  They get worse service whenever possible from the well-meaning clerks and sales persons they accost with their “attitude.” Waiters drop their orders on the ground and then serve the food anyway.  The victims of Those People always find a way to get even.  Those People are pinched, always dissatisfied and make themselves sick over time with their negativity.  You need never to engage with Those People or to stoop to their level of bad behavior – the universe will take care of them.  You may bask in your enjoyment of the sunset.  – Grace

Dear Grace:  My fiancé comes from a nice family, is employed in his chosen field and gaining professional recognition.  He is well-read, not addicted to anything and exercises regularly.  He is intelligent and interesting and often actually is the smartest guy in the room.  Yes, he is arrogant and believes that he, unlike most, is worthy of the accolades and success that come his way.  And yes, he is well-mannered enough not to express this sentiment in public.  The problem is that he is inadvertently rude to me.  In his mind, and increasingly by his example, those of his family, I am a sweet idiot that doesn’t know anything.  He is always right, I am always mistaken; he knows the “correct” way or a “better” way to do everything and I am always in need of instruction.  I find myself going out of my way to make fun of his “know-it-all” personality, but he never gets the hint.   How do I handle this? – Not “Blonde”

Dear Not Blonde:  You and your eventual children, if any, stand to gain much from your marriage to an interesting, capable professional.  A life of financial security, travel and sophistication and constant intellectual stimulation would be exciting for any partnership.  But let’s be clear here, you and your fiancé need to work the mutual respect issue out, perhaps with a couples’ therapist, before you get married.  A marriage in which one partner is treated like a child or worse is likely doomed from the start. If he is not able to change the way he thinks of you, he must, at a minimum alter the way he behaves toward you in public.  As for your prospective in-laws, you need to nip any condescension towards you in the bud.  Try this, delivered kindly but without reserve:  “I know Carter doesn’t yet display sufficient respect for my intelligence and capabilities, but it would be a mistake for you to follow his lead on this.” Then follow through and stake your ground.

– Grace

Send your questions to DearGrace@sonomasun.com.  Questions submitted may be edited.  Not all questions may be answered.

Social networking systems are brilliant, yes.  Our individual Facebook pages and websites elevate our common little lives to “star” status amongst our networks and seemingly give us our “fifteen minutes of fame” each time we post and send our chronicle out to our audience. Posting is less time consuming than writing individual letters or emails so social networking also is efficient.  But really, people, if you are posting more than a few times per week, you might have a neurosis of some sort – you definitely risk being viewed as pathetic and needy.

Dear Grace: I am on Facebook.  I have added “friends” over the years and  “unfriended” others in whom I lost interest.  Most of my “friends” post once or twice a week when they have something interesting to relate – a vacation, a new car.  But some “uber-posters” post multiple times every single day.  With one “friend”, when I open Facebook, his posts are almost all I see.  Posts on politics, organic farming – things he is passionate about and for which I am only mildly interested.  It’s not that the information is offensive  – there is simply too much of it.  And yet, I don’t want to unfriend this person.  I simply irritated at having to wade through the tsunami of his “stuff”.  – Facebook fatigued

Dear Fatigued:  You have complete control over this “problem” – don’t log on!   If you are not willing to be driven off your own network, you will need to lead by example.  Let your network know that you are experiencing information overload and that you are stepping back from the number of times you intend to both post to and check your Facebook page.  You are doing a Facebook “cleanse” or going on a Facebook “diet.”  Let people know that you understand that Facebook is not a blog and that you recognize that that it is possible to post too often – be funny about it but tell everyone that you are aware that multiple posts on the same day tend to clutter everyone’s inbox.  Maybe he will get the hint.  If not, dump him – who has the time for this?  – Grace

Dear Grace: My teenager is addicted to Facebook.  The trouble is, she doesn’t have that many “friends” and those she does have, tend to exclude her from many of their activities.  By checking her Facebook page, she is made aware of every party, movie and get together that she hasn’t been invited to – often in “real time”.  It is breaking her heart and mine.  – Mother of home alone

Dear Mother:  If you are home, then your daughter is not alone.  Help her wean herself from Facebook until she acquires a more nurturing set of friends.  As when she was two and you wanted to change her focus, you need to re-direct your daughter’s attention away from Facebook and toward other, more positive things.  Encourage her to participate in – sports, philanthropy, playing music, art, photography – anything that will engage her physically or intellectually and put her in a place to meet new, true friends.  Read books together on Friday nights if that will get her away from Facebook.  Help her discover her imagination, open her perceptions of the possibilities life brings, remind her to focus on a time when she will be beyond school and off exploring the broader world.  – Grace

Send your questions to DearGrace@sonomasun.com.  Questions submitted may be edited.  Not all questions may be answered.

But here is the thing lovely reader, regardless of the depth of one’s conviction on any given subject, an angry opinion delivered in public as if it were an absolute fact or a moral certitude is done so in bad taste.  Yes, one is entitled to one’s opinion – but that doesn’t mean anyone else is all that interested in hearing it if one is denigrating or shaming to someone else in the delivery.  No one wants to hear some blowhard rant on and on about any subject, not even snowflakes or peanut butter, let alone politics or religion.  Ranting at any time serves no other purpose that to make those subjected to it uncomfortable or angry.  It is better to keep one’s habitually negative, buzz-killing, curmudgeon-like nature to oneself.

Dear Grace: I recently attended an art opening at a local gallery with a friend of mine whose artwork was being shown.  The gathering was well attended.  While we were standing near his artwork, a woman and her friend came up began to criticize my friend’s work in very derogatory and needlessly cruel terms.  Needless to say, my friend was hurt, I was embarrassed and the woman and her friend moved on to make similar comments about another painting.  It was an opening!  Didn’t they know the artists they complained of could be standing right next to them? – Art lover

Dear Art lover: There is no excuse for cruelty, in public or in private.  However, any artist whose work is displayed in a gallery should expect that patrons will have both positive and negative opinions of the work.  The great problem with these two women is not that they didn’t like the artwork or that they gave voice to their opinions.  Rather, the harm was that they didn’t find a way, in such a public setting, to speak their opinions in a more mannerly way – or at least in a lower voice.  A good rule of thumb is if one would be uncomfortable expressing a negative opinion face-to-face with the artist, then one should avoid expressing the same opinion, within earshot of the artist. – Grace

Dear Grace: My husband’s close friend, who is otherwise a smart and attractive person, has a habit that I find irritating and mean.  Whenever a group of us goes out to dinner, he will ask for tastes of whatever everyone else orders.  He then makes faces and noises like a three-year-old to demonstrate his distaste for it, saying something like “I clearly ordered the best thing.”  If someone makes an innocent comment about liking some piece of music or a particular vacation spot, he takes a contrary position and in doing so comes off as dissing the person’s taste.  Other than these habits, he is an okay guy, but I find it hard to hold my tongue.  – Not grinning but bearing it

Dear Not grinning: Such unfortunate behavior may be rooted in this gentleman’s psychological makeup – low self esteem, the sense as a child that he wasn’t valued, having suffered overly critical parents or instability at home that left him feeling that he had no control over his well-being.  Whatever; who cares.  He might not even be aware of how his style of expressing his opinions is offensive.  If you and your wife continue to see this man socially, feel free to point out to him – kindly – that he is being needlessly critical of other people on truly minor matters and that he might find a less judgmental way of expressing himself. – Grace

Send your questions to DearGrace@sonomasun.com.  Questions submitted may be edited.  Not all questions may be answered.

A discreet person is intelligent, observant, able to predict the consequences of their behavior and has the good judgment and sensitivity to avoid embarrassing themselves or unduly upsetting others.  The discreet person who becomes angered is able to entertain the possibility that he or she just might be mistaken about some predicate fact.  The discreet person is understated, restrained, subtle and diplomatic in the way he or she conducts themselves, the way he or she communicates with others, and the way he or she understands and utilizes the information they acquire.

Dear Grace: I recently received a difficult diagnosis and although the recommended treatment is likely to be successful, there is nevertheless a possibility that it will not.  I do not want to become a “sick” person in the eyes of general acquaintances and don’t want to worry others or make them uncomfortable around me.   I disclosed my diagnosis to two very good friends whose help I will need during treatment, but I asked them not to tell anyone else.   One of them nevertheless told others and when I found out, she said I was being ridiculous and preventing friends from offering support.  I feel as if I have lost control over my ability to keep my condition private.  What can I do to reign in the situation?  – Not willing to share

Dear Not willing: Grace is sorry to learn of your diagnosis and wishes you well in your recovery.  A feeling of losing control during an illness and treatment is not uncommon.  Sadly, private information about each of us is ours to control only until we reveal it to others – then there is no control over its dissemination.  When someone shares private information, after being asked to be discreet with it, he or she is engaging in gossip.  Although arguably your friend believed she had your best interests in mind, she betrayed your confidence.  Be honest with her and tell her you are disappointed that she spoke to others, reiterate your reasons for keeping the information private and ask her again to be discreet.  If she can’t or won’t respect your desires, you may not be able to rely upon her in other ways in the coming months either.  – Grace

Dear Grace: I sit on an advisory committee charged with coming up with new industry standards for agriculture in California.  It is a 10-person committee and each member is a volunteer – we are not compensated for the hours of time we devote to meetings and our review of materials.  We are required by law to conduct public meetings and to publish our agenda which we do via website posting.  There is one member of the public that is very vocal in our process.  The problem is he behaves as if he is the self-appointed protector of the public good and has adopted a style that is very confrontational and angry.  His postings on the website are uniformly misinformed, hostile and self-righteous and leave the impression that the committee members are doing something improper.  By the time he realizes his facts are inaccurate – and admits to us that he is wrong about his assertions – the damage has been done.  His private apologies do nothing to restore the reputations of the committee members that he has denigrated so publicly.  Any suggestions?  – Waiting

Dear Waiting: A private apology after a public hanging is unsatisfying, isn’t it?  On the one hand, the apology might be sincere.  On the other, if extended only privately, it may be another self-serving manipulation.  Public damage is not undone by a private apology and the suggestion of impropriety, if not publicly withdrawn, may taint future committee actions.  If this person has demonstrated a pre-disposition to negativity, complaint and public grandstanding, their claims likely will be filtered out by other, thinking members of the public.  If not, then the committee must weigh whether countering this person through website postings would best serve its efforts.  – Grace

Send your questions to DearGrace@sonomasun.com.  Questions submitted may be edited.  Not all questions may be answered.

A happy little buzz may provide just the social lubricant to make our spirits bright but here is the simple truth – it is not admirable social behavior to be drunk in public.  One should know one’s individual tolerance for alcohol and abide by that personal limit.  If your limit is two drinks, by all means stop at two.  If by alternating each drink with sparkling water extends your limit to three, by all means alternate.  Spilling red wine on a hostess’ white carpet, throwing up on a host’s front lawn, making an unwanted pass at one’s colleague’s wife, telling that ridiculously unfunny story yet again – all of these indignities can be avoided with just a little self-monitoring.

Dear Grace: I was invited to a last minute holiday dinner party at the home of some neighbors and during dinner, we all started talking about global warming.  For some reason, I had too much wine at that point to remember exactly, I started ranting about irresponsible products that were coming out on the market that contribute to the environmental crisis I believe we are in.  I went on and on about those individual, single-use coffee systems that use toxic plastic containers for each cup of coffee made.  I’m afraid I got so angry over the issue that I lost it – bad language, insulting the intelligence of anyone that would buy such a product.   Finally, the host got up, walked into the kitchen returned with a handful of little plastic individual serving coffee containers and put them in front of me.  Everyone laughed but I was embarrassed.  What do I do now?– Chagrinned

Dear Chagrinned: Yes, darling, that was a doozy.  So much better to have simply danced tabletop with a lampshade on your head – at least then you would have seemed a simple dufus instead of a self-righteous blowhard.  The only thing you can do at this point is to write an apology – for drinking too much, for being judgmental, for putting the other guests on the spot.  I recommend taking the note over with a gift of some sort – home baked cookies, a bottle of wine, or a box of those individual, plastic, single use coffee cartridges. – Grace

Dear Grace: I lead a small service company with 20 employees and significant revenues for a company its size.  I am a good and generous employer – not just fair with my employees but also looking out for them in a meaningful way.  (Maybe most executives feel this way about themselves, but I like to think that I set a good example and do the right thing most of the time.)  At any rate, I held the company’s annual holiday party at my home this year and invited spouses and children to attend.  At one point in the evening, the not-particularly-young-or-fit-or-amusing wife of one of my best employees started “dirty dancing” with the partner of another of my employees while the rest of the guests, including some of the kids, circled and watched.  I was actually appalled at the spectacle.  I cut off the music and replaced it with something less danceable but my reaction made everyone uncomfortable.   I blame the dirty dancers for the awkward moment but my wife blames me for being an uptight host.  Who is correct?  – Annoyed CEO

Dear Annoyed: Both of you have a point.  You are absolutely correct that a holiday gathering for professional colleagues – at which children are present – is no place for guests to bump and grind inappropriately.  The dancers did create a spectacle that made at least one observer – the host – uncomfortable.  As the company’s head, your employees look to you for leadership and this, combined with the fact that the party was at your home, gave you perfect leave to control the atmosphere of the evening.  That being said, your wife is correct that as a host, it is your role to create a festive and welcoming atmosphere rather than one that is uncomfortably judgmental.  Perhaps you could have found a less abrupt way to disperse the onlookers rather than creating a “scene” of your own. – Grace

Send your questions to DearGrace@sonomasun.com.  Questions submitted may be edited.  Not all questions may be answered.

There is a line in every group where spirited conversation can cross over into heated debate and then quickly devolve into ill-mannered behavior. Whereas a lively conversation at table is one of life’s joys, the over-eating/over-imbibing by guests doesn’t always lead to pleasant discourse.  In a perfect world, all conversation would be encouraged and people of different beliefs would share their opposing ideas in an open, respectful manner.  With this goal in mind, rather than impose an absolute ban on money, religion, politics and sex as topics for this year’s holiday table, why not welcome all topics and simply set a few ground rules for your guests, such as: 1. No interrupting another speaker; 2. No raising one’s voice; 3. No derision, sarcasm or ridicule directed at another’s views; 4. No dominating the conversation; 5.  No storming away from the table in disgust; and 6. Fully listening to each speaker before deciding how to respond.

Dear Grace: My in-laws lean right and my family leans left.  My in-laws are religious and my family is “anti” organized religion.  Mine has recently unemployed family members and my husband’s sports both a recovering drug addict and a soon-to-be techno-billionaire.  Both families have a hothead or two. They are all coming for Christmas and I am worried about things going well.  What are my husband’s and my obligations to keep the peace? – Caught in the middle

Dear Caught: As the host and hostess of this disparate group of relations, your first and foremost obligations are to be helpful, supportive and encouraging to each other as you both endeavor to create a hospitable holiday for each of your guests.  Be welcoming.  Provide a relaxed setting.  Pay attention to the shy guests and kindly chide the overbearing guest to make room for the others enjoy to themselves.  When difficult subjects come up, avoid taking sides or if you must commit to a point of view, do so with respect to the opposing view.  Settle the sports contingent in front of the television or outside on the lawn with a football.  Let the cooks loose in the kitchen so they can feel like they are contributing to the festivities.  Keep the elderly warm and engaged.  If anyone’s behavior begins to go south, gently steer the group’s attention away from them.  The goal is to avoid embarrassing anyone at the same time you meet your obligations as the benevolent monarchs of the day.  It’s your home – you and your husband set the tone.

Dear Grace: My partner and I moved to Sonoma from Chicago about 18 months ago after I took a management job in San Francisco.   Through our son’s school and my partner’s other activities, we have met wonderful people here and we enjoy nice neighbors and have a healthy social life.  My problem is that I feel a lot of pressure to take yoga classes, eat locally-produced organic foods, shun plastic, drive a hybrid, support the 99 percent, meditate, be mindful and singlehandedly, to make capitalism more humanistic.  A part of me was happier in Chicago when I wasn’t called upon to dwell on these matters and I am beginning to feel uncomfortable with the evangelical nature of peer pressure in California.  How can I fit in without giving in?  – I like steak and golf

Dear steak and golf: Each person needs a group within which they feel recognized and understood.  This doesn’t mean that each person should not also spend time with people whose ideas are different and new to them – this is how people grow and expand.  If you continue to feel invisible in your new Sonoma community or that you need to keep your lifestyle preferences a secret from your neighbors, you will feel lonely and isolated here.  You either need to stand tall and “out” yourself with the locals about your “old school” likes and dislikes – admit to your  In ‘N Out burger addiction and your fondness for luxury cars – or add another group of friends with ideas closer to your own with which you could also spend time.  It is all about achieving balance, after all.  Om. – Grace

Send your questions to DearGrace@sonomasun.com.  Questions submitted may be edited.  Not all questions may be answered.

Dear Grace: My best friend is switching careers and taking the real estate agent’s exam.  This friend is smart, sophisticated in business and full of integrity.  I think they will do fine.  The problem is that my trainer at the gym, my son’s best friend’s mother, a former bank teller with whom I was friendly and two other friends are all real estate agents in town and all of them expect me to refer my friends and contacts to them and all of them hope that my wife and I will use them in the future.  My inclination is to adopt a policy of simply not referring business to any of them for fear of offending all of them.  What do you suggest? – Not enough to go around

Dear Not enough: Yes, adopting the philosophy of not doing business with friends is an option.  On the surface, it seems clean, uniform and decidedly principled.  What it does not do, however, is provide you or your non-real estate friends and contacts with perhaps the best representation available.  Since you pointed out that your best friend is smart, business savvy and honorable, he or she may end up being the most effective real estate agent in town and why wouldn’t you want to hire him or her to represent you or your extended family members and good friends?  Grace suggests that each time someone asks you to refer a real estate representative, give them the list of all your contacts in the industry and make it clear that you haven’t yet worked with any of them personally but that you are acquainted with them all and that each of them seems like a stand up person.  Once your best friend has had the experience of completing a few major real estate transactions, evaluate whether his or her professional promise has been realized and if so, target your referrals accordingly.  If not, and even this friend’s professional skills are wanting, a stated philosophy against referring business to friends may be the best option.  – Grace

Dear Grace: I’d like to quit my longtime hairstylist and go to another stylist in the same salon.  I have been friendly with my stylist over the years and we occasionally socialize together.  The problem is that she has been doing my hair the same way for five years and every time I encourage her to come up with a new style for me, she always reverts to what she knows.  A younger, hipper stylist in the same salon seems like a better bet.  How do I make the change without hurting anyone’s feelings?  In search of style

Dear In search: A relationship with a stylist is both highly personal and at the same time clearly commercial in nature.  While it is great to have a friendly, even occasionally social relationship with a stylist, the customer/provider aspect of the arrangement is its core.  When a customer begins to view the relationship as a bit stale or the stylist’s vision as a bit stuck in the past, something’s got to give.  In this instance you have mentioned to your stylist that you want something more creative and she has not been able to deliver.  If you truly are “friends” with the stylist, you might go to another recommended salon/stylist and have a cut or color done that you could ask your original stylist to try to duplicate, by way of giving her a second chance.  If she can give you what you want, great.  If not, you have done everything you need to do except kindly explain that you’d like to remain friends but that it is time for you to move on to another stylist.  If you are not truly “friends” with your stylist, but only appropriately “friendly,” go ahead and tell her you’d like to try the other stylist in that same salon – perhaps making appointments on those days when your original stylist is off.  If she is truly a friend, honor might dictate that you move to another salon altogether.  – Grace

Send your questions to DearGrace@sonomasun.com.  Questions submitted may be edited.  Not all questions may be answered.

Dear Grace:  We like to walk our 12 year old, toy poodle down the bike path behind the Plaza.  Last week, we came upon a young couple walking two 130-pound Rottweilers in the opposite direction. They were on leashes, as was our dog, and each of the owners held one of the dogs. When they saw our dog, the Rottweilers became agitated and their owners separated, the woman taking her dog ahead and quickly past us and the man pulling off the path and positioning himself between his dog and us.  This response alone made us nervous but at least we could tell they were trying to control their dogs.  As we walked past the man, his dog lunged at our dog and he had to wrestle his Rottweiler to the ground until we were out of range.  I couldn’t help thinking that the bike path, with so many walkers and dogs, was not an appropriate place for those two huge dogs.  Should I have said something?  – Almost Dog Food

Dear Dog Food:  If one decides to own two Rottweilers, one should not take them on a walk down the public bike path if the only way to keep them from eating a toy poodle is to wrestle them to the ground and body-block their lunging.  Clearly the owners of those dogs were doing their best to control the animals but until the dogs are better socialized, putting others at risk is inexcusable.  Keeping their dogs out of situations where they could attack other dogs and their owners will protect others, protect the owners from financial responsibility for harm caused and protect the dogs from having to be destroyed as overly-aggressive animals.

Dear Grace:  We have a small friendly dog.  We have friends that have a large friendly dog.  Recently their dog has shown some aggression towards our dog when visiting our house.  When I’ve pointed it out to our friends, they briefly reprimand their dog with a mild “bad dog” and that is as far as they take it.  We enjoy their company and that of their dog normally, but now I find myself focused solely on the dogs. – Dogged

Dear Dogged:  When dogs go visiting with their owners to the homes of other people, they should be clean, free of fleas and ticks, not smell and be well-behaved.  Most of all, they should be invited.  Dog owners who presume to bring their dog with them without first clearing it – every time – with their hosts are not demonstrating good manners.  If your friends are not picking up on your hints, you will need to protect your dog in other ways.  First, make it clear when you visit them that you “think you’ll leave Baxter at home this time” because their dog has seemed a bit aggressive toward him lately.  If they come over and have presumed to have brought Walter, you can ask that Walter be put in the back yard during the visit or make the point that you will tuck Baxter into a room that can be closed off.  They will get the hint eventually and hopefully begin to address the aggressiveness.  Meanwhile, Baxter won’t have suffered a punctured lung.

Some reprinted material included. Send your questions to DearGrace@sonomasun.com.

Dear Grace: This past Sunday morning, as I stood at the coffee bar at our local Sonoma Market, a woman in her mid-sixties came striding up to the barista and said, without waiting to be acknowledged, “We’re just finishing in the check-out over there and we’ve paid for two non-fat lattes – can you have them ready for us?”  Then she turned and went back to her husband who was waiting to pay for their groceries.  She did not start with “excuse me” or “please” nor did she end with any expression of thanks or gratitude.  After she left, I rolled my eyes at the barista who said simply, “weekenders.”  My question is this:  How can we keep rude tourists like this out of our little town or at least out of our market?
- Please make them go away

Dear PMTGA: You know the answer to this question, even though you don’t want to admit the truth of it.  Sonoma can’t make its tourists go away, and ultimately, as a community, we don’t want them to go away.  Like the nation’s addiction to foreign oil, Sonoma is dependent upon tourist dollars which support its local population.  Sonoma paves its streets and funds its schools with a revenue stream that is largely contributed by tourists spending their dollars here.  However, this does not mean one needs to put up with bad behavior from the town’s visitors and if one finds oneself on the receiving end of such rudeness, he or she may quietly, but firmly point out to the offensive cretin that it appears that they were raised by trolls.  One should monitor one’s own response, however so that his or her own behavior does not devolve into some equally offending state.– Grace

Dear Grace:  What is the appropriate response for oblivious pedestrians that walk in front of or behind your car when it is moving?  I know pedestrians are given the right of way in some circumstances, but do they always have the right of way?  During tourist season, it is almost impossible to cross the northwest intersection of the Plaza due to tourists crossing without any regard for the cars trying to navigate onto or off of Spain Street.  When is it appropriate to honk at a pedestrian? –Annoyed

Dear Annoyed: Grace feels your pain on this issue!  But here is what the DMV’s California Driver’s Handbook has to say:  – Grace

• Use extra caution when driving near pedestrians

• Always stop for any pedestrian crossing at corners or other crosswalks, whether or not the crosswalks are marked by painted lines.

• Do not pass a vehicle that has stopped at a crosswalk. A pedestrian you cannot see may be crossing the street.

• Do not drive on a sidewalk, except to cross it to enter or exit a driveway or alley. When crossing, yield to all pedestrians.

• Do not stop in a crosswalk.

• If a pedestrian makes eye contact with you, he or she is ready to cross the street and you must yield.

• Allow all pedestrians sufficient time to cross the street.

• Drivers of quiet hybrid or electric vehicles must remain especially aware.

Send your questions to DearGrace@sonomasun.com.  Questions submitted may be edited.  Not all questions may be answered.

Dear Grace: My girlfriend has begun refusing to go out for a meal with a couple that is a part of our close group of friends because of the husband’s admittedly poor table manners.  She says eating with him makes her nauseous.  It has become such a big deal for her when we are all out together that she can’t stop focusing on his crude eating behavior.  To be honest, I think his eating habits have gotten progressively worse over the years.  These are nice, intelligent, responsible people.  How do you bring up such a subject with a good friend? – Grossed out

Dear Grossed out:  Don’t speak with your mouth full.  Don’t chew with your mouth open.  Don’t eat with your hands unless the specific food warrants it.  Wipe your mouth with your napkin periodically during a meal.  Mind the crumbs in your beard.  For goodness sake, sit up straight when at table.  Don’t take huge bites and overfill your mouth.  Keep your elbows off the table while people are still eating.  Don’t drink more than you can handle.  Don’t eat with your fingers and then get greasy fingerprints all over your glass.  Be mindful of the table linens when you serve yourself and others food and wine.  Really, what is so difficult about applying these simple keys to good table manners?
Your friend apparently has forgotten the lessons his mamma taught him.  Perhaps you could send him a copy of this column?  Or sponsor an adult etiquette refresher course for your whole group if you do not feel you can confront the situation directly. – Grace
Dear Grace:  May spouses, partners and significant others be seated next to each other at a dinner party?  My mother says not . . . I say it shouldn’t matter in these days of less formal dinner parties, and besides, many people feel more secure with their mate near them.  Which one of us wins this one? – Sitting pretty

Dear Sitting pretty:  Ten points to your mother for knowing that there is a long-standing tradition that spouses and long-term partners are not typically seated next to each other at a dinner party or formal event such as a wedding reception or official dinner.  In fact, in certain cases, detailed protocols exist for “prioritizing” the guests and seating them in places of honor determined by their proximity to the host and hostess.  Of course in the “old days,” the seating was based on heterosexual couples and always alternated males and females.  Today, and regardless of the nature of the modern couple, the presumption remains that all guests invited to a formal party will be schooled in social etiquette and capable of carrying on an interesting conversation with anyone seated next to them.  Conversations in which they neither dominate the discourse nor sit mutely by as the party goes on about them.  Spouses and long-term partners are separated to give them the opportunity to engage with new or at least other persons whose perhaps worn-out stories and anecdotes will be fun or at least interesting to hear anew.  Now, ten points to you for having an instinct about the subject and sensing that, short of a formal, sit down dinner party with assigned seats, contemporary dinner parties are more of a free-for-all.  While spouses, partners and long-term significant others will most often choose to sit next to someone other than their mate at an informal gathering, they breach no protocol if they choose to sit next to each other.  And even at the most formal event, new couples and the newly engaged are always allowed to be seated next to each other; isn’t that a sweet custom… – Grace

Send your questions to DearGrace@sonomasun.com.  Questions submitted may be edited.  Not all questions may be answered.